listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Randomize
