my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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