I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Randomize
