anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
It's shark week go big or go home
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
