you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
