If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
