Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
