Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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