I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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