Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I look better un-naked...
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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