haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
