I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
