I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
