Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
