so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
