Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
