Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
