I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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