Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
