i always forget guys have bellybuttons
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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