i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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