lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
