Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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