Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
