my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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