I just saw a hot homeless man
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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