Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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