wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
