you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
