After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
You dont lie about slip and slides
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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