She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
