The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
