I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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