just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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