if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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