don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
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