My cat gives me a boner
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
