Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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