You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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