you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
