I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
