Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
