New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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