I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
you inspire me to be a worse person
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
