i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
