Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Ladies don't puke and tell
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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