my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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