Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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