batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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