sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
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